When “Helpful” Advice Isn’t Helpful at All

Recently, my mother-in-law came to visit with her sister. During their stay, my son fell quite sick, which, as any parent knows, can be incredibly demanding—especially for a breastfeeding mom. He clung to me day and night, refusing to eat anything else but breastmilk, leaving me physically and emotionally drained. By the time we reached lunch that day, I hadn’t slept in several nights and was running on pure exhaustion.

As we sat down to eat, my son was still in my arms, whimpering and refusing to leave me. I decided to try getting some food into both of us. My husband sat across from me, and as I realized I’d forgotten a few things, I asked him to grab them. Distracted and overtired, I couldn’t list everything at once, so he had to make three or four trips to the kitchen. It wasn’t ideal, but it was all I could manage at the moment.

Having guests over only added to the pressure. Although, to be honest, I don’t consider close family members "guests" when I’m stuck at home with a sick child. They, however, seemed to see themselves that way—another layer of stress. After the meal, my mother-in-law approached me with her trademark mix of “love” and unsolicited advice.

“Darling,” she said, her voice dripping with sweetness, “you should be more prepared before sitting at the table. You had my son getting up again and again to bring you things. I’m only saying this because I want the best for you, and I have the experience, so just take my suggestion and prepare everything in advance so this doesn’t happen again.”

I froze. There it was again—the complete lack of empathy, wrapped in a pretty package of care, tied with a bow of condescension. My mind was spinning. How do you respond to something like that without completely losing your cool?

I remembered the non-violent communication courses I had taken and decided to put them into practice. With every ounce of self-control, I responded, “Thank you for the feedback, but I’m already doing my very best right now, so this is absolutely not helpful for me.”

I was proud of myself for keeping my response calm and direct and for stating my boundaries. But, of course, this wasn’t the end of it. Later, as the day wore on and I replayed the interaction in my mind, my emotions bubbled over, and we ended up having a heated argument about it. So much for staying zen.

I’m still working on this—on holding my ground without letting my emotions get the better of me. It’s incredibly difficult not to react when faced with such “advice,” especially when you’re already hanging by a thread. But that moment was a small victory for me, proof that I’m trying to set boundaries and reclaim my peace, even when it feels impossible. Some days, that’s the best you can do.

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