How to Avoid Raising a Narcissist - Making Mistakes

Raising Kids Who Embrace Risks and Making Mistakes

Living with two narcissists so far has taught me many lessons, but one stands out: the importance of teaching our children that it’s okay to make mistakes. My husband, like many others with narcissistic tendencies, grew up in an environment where mistakes were met with extreme shame and criticism.

As a result, he avoids making mistakes at all costs, creating a dynamic where perfectionism is the standard, and mistakes are unacceptable. This is exhausting to live with, and it’s something I’m determined not to pass on to my children.

Mistakes are a natural part of being human. They are how we learn, grow, and ultimately succeed. Yet, in our household, the fear of making mistakes looms large. My husband never apologizes for his own missteps, and when I apologize for mine, he responds with, “Don’t apologize, just don’t make the mistakes. Especially don’t make them over and over again.”

This attitude stems from his childhood, where I believe he was shamed repeatedly for his imperfections. He didn’t learn that mistakes are opportunities for growth; instead, he learned to avoid them at all costs. This is why I make it a point to teach my children a different lesson: we don't make mistakes on purpose, so it’s not about avoiding them—it’s about what you do after you make them.

Risk-taking is an essential part of life. Starting a new relationship, pursuing a new job, moving to a new country, or trying something unfamiliar all involve risks. Without the ability to take risks, we miss out on growth and connection.

I see the impact of risk-aversion in my husband and his brother. Both avoid situations that require vulnerability or stepping outside their comfort zones. My husband’s brother, for instance, has been in a relationship for nearly a decade with a woman who has her own family. He’s broken up with her several times, citing his desire for a family of his own, yet he keeps going back.

Why? I think it’s because this relationship feels safe. He doesn’t have to fully commit or risk being seen for who he truly is. She has her own separate life, which he isn’t fully involved in—he’s never met her children, they’ve never lived together. It’s convenient and risk-free, but it’s not fulfilling.

When risk-taking is suppressed, it often finds potentially unhealth outlets. For my husband and his brother, it shows up in extreme sports and, at times, substance use. These activities allow them to take risks in environments where they don’t have to answer to anyone else.

But these are dangerous ways to fulfill the need for adventure and challenge.

To break this cycle, I strive to create an environment where my children feel safe to take risks and learn from their mistakes. I encourage them to try new things, even if they might fail. When they make a mistake, we talk about it—not to shame them, but to help them understand what they can do differently next time. If they make the same mistake again, that’s okay too. Growth takes time, and every attempt is a step forward.

When thinking about relationships, I’ve realized that willingness to take emotional risks is just as important as practical risk-taking. If I were dating again, I’d ask questions like:

• Who are your best friends, and how long have you known them?

• Have you made any new friends recently who you consider to be close to you?

• Have you ever been hurt in a relationship? How did you handle it?

• Are you still in touch with someone who hurt you? Why or why not?

• Have you ever hurt someone, and how did you address it?

  
  

By teaching my children that it’s okay to take risks and make mistakes, I hope to give them the tools to live a more balanced, fulfilling life. I want them to grow up knowing that they don’t have to be perfect, that they are allowed to fail, and that their worth isn’t tied to their successes or failures. Mistakes don’t define us—they shape us. And that’s a lesson worth passing on.

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