Looking back, there were so many red flags I ignored early in my relationship—things that now, with hindsight and self-awareness, seem glaringly obvious. If only I’d known then what I know now. I want to share these moments, not just to reflect, but to help others recognize the signs of a potential narcissist before they become deeply invested.
The Ski Trip and the “Perfect Childhood”
Early on in our long-distance relationship, we went on a ski trip with my husband’s brother and two of their childhood friends, a couple. One night, I brought out a party game—one of those question-based games designed to spark conversations and reveal surprising things about the players.
The question came up: “Have you ever been angry at your mother?”
The other girl and I immediately exchanged a knowing laugh. Of course, we thought. Every person has, at some point, been frustrated or angry with their parents. It’s a normal part of growing up. But my husband and his brother? They both said no, absolutely not. They claimed to have had “the perfect childhood” and seemed confused by the question itself.
I remember the other girl quietly saying, “Wow, that’s a red flag.” At the time, I brushed it off, thinking, Maybe they just have a different relationship with their parents.
Now I realize it was more than that. It wasn’t that they hadn’t experienced anger—it was that they weren’t allowed to. They were so conditioned to maintain a perfect image of their family, both to others and themselves, that the mere idea of acknowledging anger or imperfection was off-limits. Reflecting now, I understand that healthy relationships—and psychologically healthy people—are able to hold conflicting truths: to say, “My parents were good to me in these ways, but they hurt me in others, probably unintentionally.” That’s how we humanize people. The inability to integrate those complexities is a red flag I would never ignore today.
A Fear of Closeness?
Another glaring red flag: neither my husband nor his brother had ever been in a long-term, cohabiting relationship before. My husband was in his late thirties when we met, yet he had never lived with a partner or experienced that kind of closeness.
At the time, I rationalized it away. They were just focused on their careers, I thought. They were busy and hadn’t met the right person yet. But now I see how naïve I was. The real question I should have asked myself was: Why not? Why hadn’t they sought out intimacy? Was it fear? A lack of emotional availability? Avoidance of the vulnerability required in a serious relationship?
In hindsight, it’s clear: their emotional detachment wasn’t about time or opportunity—it was about a deep fear of intimacy.
The Train Incident: A Disproportionate Reaction
Another moment that stands out happened on a train during one of our first arguments. I admit, in my frustration, I lashed out. I said something awful—something I instantly regretted. It was along the lines of “F*** your mother.” It was a horrible thing to say, and I apologized immediately. But his reaction was disproportionate. He exploded in rage and has brought it up countless times since, using it as justification for his own verbal abuse.
“You started it,” he often says, as if my mistake somehow gave him a free pass to inflict verbal harm indefinitely. It was transactional: You did it first, so I’m justified. But the intensity of his response and his inability to move past it should have been a warning sign. A healthy person can acknowledge wrongdoing and accept an apology without using it as ammunition for years to come.
The Absence of Self-Reflection
One of the biggest red flags I missed was his inability to self-reflect. Healthy people can say, “I was wrong. I’m sorry about that.” But I can’t recall a single instance of my husband admitting fault, even in small, inconsequential situations. It’s something I only noticed once we had our first real conflicts—by which point, I was already emotionally invested.
What I’d Look For Now
If I were entering a relationship today, these are the signs I’d pay attention to:
Emotional Complexity: Can this person acknowledge both the good and the bad in themselves and others? Or do they cling to an image of perfection?
Relationship History: Have they experienced long-term intimacy? If not, why?
Reaction to Conflict: How do they respond when they’re upset or hurt? Can they move past mistakes, or do they hold grudges and retaliate?
Accountability: Are they capable of admitting fault and apologizing sincerely?
These are the questions I’d ask myself now, armed with the knowledge I’ve gained. Because the truth is, the red flags were there all along—I just didn’t know how to read them.
I hope sharing these moments can help someone else see the signs before it’s too late. If this resonates with you, take a moment to reflect on your own relationships. The earlier you recognize the patterns, the easier it is to protect yourself and make decisions that align with your well-being.
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