Ever wondered what it would sound like if your narcissistic mother-in-law dropped the sweet, sugary act and just said what’s really on her mind? Well, buckle up and enjoy the sarcasm, because here’s an imagined conversation of how that call might go—if she were brutally, unapologetically honest. Prepare for the drama you didn’t know you needed!
Daughter-in-Law: “Hi Martha, I just wanted to check if there’s anything special you’d like for Christmas?”
Mother-in-Law: “Oh, of course. You always call at the wrong time. It’s like you’ve got a sixth sense for interrupting me. Honestly, I’d rather not talk to you at all. I don’t really like you—I find you boring, unimaginative, and honestly, a bit of a chore.”
Daughter-in-Law: “Oh… I’m sorry if this is a bad time.”
Mother-in-Law: “Well, every time is a bad time when it’s you, but let’s just get this over with. You couldn’t even come up with a Christmas present idea on your own? No imagination at all? Figures. You always make other people do the thinking for you because, let’s face it, you’re incapable of much. It’s quite exhausting, really.”
Daughter-in-Law: “I just wanted to make sure it’s something you’d like…”
Mother-in-Law: “Oh, I know exactly why you’re calling. You’re terrified of doing something wrong and upsetting my son. And you should be. But, you know, this is actually quite perfect for me. I was planning to stir up some drama between you two anyway—this little call just made it easier for me!”
Daughter-in-Law: “Drama? I don’t understand…”
Mother-in-Law: “Oh, sweetie, let me spell it out for you. Here’s what I’ll do. I’ll tell you not to buy anything, oh-so-casually brushing off your offer because I’m just such a selfless martyr. Then I’ll mention to my son—tearfully, of course—that I’ve been slaving away in the kitchen making waffles for my darling grandchildren on this ancient, broken-down waffle maker. I’ll drop just enough hints that he’ll feel guilty for not doing something about it. It’s foolproof! He’ll think you’re selfish and inattentive, and voilà, I’ll have you two bickering in no time!”
Daughter-in-Law: “I… I don’t know what to say…”
Mother-in-Law: “Oh, and don’t think it stops there. As soon as we hang up, I’ll get right to work. I’ll call everyone in the family, maybe even a few people in town, and tell them how awful you are. I’ll say you didn’t even bother to think of a gift and how I’ve been nothing but kind to you, only to be repaid with your neglect. It’s a fantastic way to build sympathy and remind everyone who the real victim is here—me, obviously!”
Daughter-in-Law: “I really don’t think this is fair…”
Mother-in-Law: “Fair? Oh, honey, life isn’t fair, especially when you’re in my family. But don’t worry, I’ll make sure everyone knows exactly how ‘difficult’ you are. It’s my little way of keeping things interesting during the holidays. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have some calls to make. Happy holidays, dear!”
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